Life as I see it...in my own words!!!

      So I turned 40 this yr right? My children are getting older and I Lstarting thinking more freely. Growing up and getting older I felt my body would always be in great shape right? Without working out everyday, doing what it would take to make sure that I stayed in tip top shape.     With my body and this mess that they call #MS, I always thought thought that everything would be how it was supposed to be. Or at least what I was raised to believe it should have been. Back in the days, I didn't believe in having any kid of work on your body only because I never thought that any procedures were ever possible.       And since I looked it up, only because I wanted to know to see what was possible for me, just in case I felt the need to appease my curiosity, how much a procedure like that would cost and also how long the down time for it it would be.       I was able to see something because there were more options to ...

Sitting here tryna figure out where I go from here. I am register for my spring classes for this next semester. I am starting classes to become a jounalist. I love to write. I like finding out new information. I have been doing this for a while, may as well make my money doing it.

All I know, is that people continue to railroad me. I don't trust majority of the people that I deal with. At this point in my life, I never ever would have expected to be dealing with the type of shenanigans that I deal with. The hurt that it caused was far more worse than I would have ever imagined. But then I had to realize that it wasn't ever me, it was them. The issues never belonged me. It was always them. It took me a min but I had to let go of toxic relationships. Whoever is causing strife in my life had to be let go of. Family, friends or not.These are issues that have nothing to do with me but people will always try to throw their own thinking on to you despite what ever the situation is. And once you see things clearly, they'll still try to throw you into the mix that has nothing to do with you. It is simply their perception of you. Only what they think of you. 

          Here we go. Life always has a way of throwing me curve balls damn near every day. Right now, my life is so weird. I always kept to myself, I never allow no one in to my inner circle, however, now for the first time in years I have let my guard down. Sometimes I feel that I am making a good decision, making adult decisions and being the best me that I can be. My life is always so complicated. I deserve to be happy, I feel that I am making a good decision. I felt good about meeting him. 

For the last few day's I have bn struggling.  Struggling with the fact that I am lonely.  Almost, to tears, I feel so horribly bad. Being in the mental state that I am in. I struggle,  at times no matter what is going,  there is always a thought in the back of my mind. There are sometimes when the emptiness fills my head and I wanna just be in the company of others. It is sickining and I feel miserable about life. The other day my son told me to "Get out" of his room at Williams house,  only because he was on the phone with a girl.  I laughed it off and thought "Really?" and simply walked away and found me something else to do. He is growing up and getting older,  he isn't the same kid that he used to be. I ended up spending the rest of the night in the room that he shares with William.  He is growing up,  I have to let him be himself and not interfere as much.  I need to remember that "Yes" I am his mother,  I will always be here f...

How can you feel the way that you feel? Can you not see the hurt that you put out? Can you not see the hurt that you dish out? How is it so easy to maneuver through life so carelessly. Been this way for a min, I am not heartless, I just use my heart less now. I smile because I am happy with me. Learning how to take my cuts and scraps because that is the way that is the way life happens for me. No more bein sad for something that will never happen for me. And just being happy with myself is more satisfying than me attempting to be somebody or someone that I'm not. My real life me is so much better.  I had fo get to a place where I don't care if anyone else loved me. There are times that people attempt to throw me off so that I don't fully love me but I have to just brush that shit off but I love the person that I have became. Life is life and love is love.